My husband and I live abroad. He just told me today that his sister is coming next week for a week and staying with us. I’ve always said I wouldn’t want any guests staying with us. 1) because we have a 1 bedroom apartment where would they stay. 2) because I would feel uncomfortable no matter who it is, I like my own space and don’t feel comfortable with others staying. He’s off work when she is here and I’m not. So if I wanna come home and decompress and chill out I won’t feel like I’ll be able to. Sounds dumb but where would I get ready on the morning, he will be asleep and when we are on opposite shifts I would get ready in the living room / kitchen (it’s open plan) so if she’s sleeping in the sofa where would I go? I’ve met her once over a dinner so I have no idea what she’d be like etc. I think the main point is he knew I’d not agree to it but agreed to it anyway and only told me at the last minute. I can’t even book a hotel as they are extortionate as it’s the F1 week next week. Do you think I’m in the wrong for feeling like this? I also don’t pay rent he does, so now I’m feeling like I can’t stay ‘I want to feel comfortable in my own home’ cos I don’t pay for it :(

Inviting someone to stay in your shared home without getting your permission is absolutely wrong. There's not way I'd be okay with that.

@aurielle Thank you that’s exactly how I felt, no matter who it is family or not I think a heads up or a discussion should have been had beforehand!

Yeah no I would not be okay with that at all. You live there together so it’s a decision that should’ve been made by BOTH of you. I also wouldn’t change your entire routine because she’s there, if you have to get ready you should. If she wakes up because you’re rummaging around she should’ve gotten a hotel. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hm he definitely should have spoken to you about it first, but I think it’s a bit rigid to say no one (especially immediate family) can come to stay when visiting when you live abroad/far away. Do you not want him to be close with his sister or you to build a relationship? Is there no compromise?

@Awg1 I completely get where you are coming from, absolutely not against him being close with family. We both have had family visit but every time they have stayed in hotels. I think it would be different if we had a 2 bedroom apartment, but we’re in a 1 bed and have one bathroom and irs just a little too on top of each other for my liking. The fact it wasnt discussed either. Or the fact she’s coming for the F1 and they didn’t even invite me, surely he would want me to come to be able to spend time together?

Honestly yeah that’s pretty rude to make arrangements like that without discussing it with you at all. Also not super nice he didn’t ask if you wanted to go to the F1 either. However as you said yourself hotels are crazy expensive for that week so honestly that’s probably not an option for his sister either? I do think if you’re living somewhere so far away from friends and family there are going to be times you’re going to have to put up with people staying over. Yep it’s not ideal but people are paying a lot of money to come see you and a hotel may not be in their budget. But he absolutely should have talked to you about it. The real problem here is exactly what you said - he knew you would say no and did it anyway. And then obvs he didn’t invite you to the F1 cos he wasn’t telling you she was coming in the first place. Imo that’s a pretty major breakdown in communication and transparency/honesty within your relationship, and something you should address and deal with ASAP, before it starts leading to other issues or before it happens again.

Personally I disagree that you have to put up with visitors staying at your place when you live far away, if you don't have space to host then you don't have space and you're allowed to say no. I think it's kind of entitled to expect a free place to stay just because it's family. And if a hotel is out of budget then it's just not a trip they can afford. Agree with everything else people have said though, this is really not how decision making in a marriage is supposed to work.

@aurielle depends if you want a village or not. I’m all for having boundaries & being firm but I do find a lot of people are taking it a little far and then they’re confused why they have no close friends/family or people that are there for them when needed. They both need to communicate & find a compromise in future.

@bluerose9 Months ago when they booked tickets hotel wouldn’t have been crazy expensive so a solution could have easily been made. His family and sister certainly do not struggle for money so money isn’t an issue so I don’t get why she would wanna chose to sleep on a sofa over staying in a hotel

@aurielle I agree. If we had a 2 bed apartment with another bathroom I think it would be a different story - still should have spoke to me first and I still wouldn’t like people staying but at least then she would have her own space

@Awg1 they simply lack the space to be hosting anyone. I would honestly feel super invasive if I were the sister in this scenario. When you have a limited space and you need to host a person with their own luggage it can be a lot. Especially if you’re still working and (likely) forced to adapt your routine to accommodate them, all because your partner was inconsiderate and did not communicate beforehand.

@yi_eune its all relative. I live in a small 1 bed flat & have had close friends/family stay plenty of times & often while working. It’s chaotic & tiring but worth it, I love that they make the effort to come to me sometimes. Depends how much you value close friends/family though. The partner not telling her beforehand is a separate issue & I said I don’t agree with that. It should have been a proper discussion with compromises talked about when they moved tbh, not OP just saying ‘no one can stay here ever’.

@d1996 your feelings are 100% valid and I hope you and your husband can talk this through and he can understand what he did wasn’t okay. Maybe plan something nice for yourself during the time she’s there, like going to get your nails done or going to a coffee shop for an hour or two to read and have a treat or whatever you’d like!

I also wouldn’t be very comfortable with it, especially as you’ve only met her once!

@bluerose9 Thank you! I already had a nail appointment booked which is perfect. Will definitely be taking myself out and having another treat or too

@_ems Yup definitely not ideal lol