my bf of almost 4 years had an online relationship with his ex for like a year in 2020 so it’s been a while. i have brought her up throughout our relationship when i was feeling insecure and needed reassurance and stuff. anyways, tldr; he recently told me had a dream of her like 3 weeks ago but something stupid like her going to her house and talking to his dad. i’m not mad about that because people always dream about random stuff. however, he randomly just told me that for the past 12 hours, he was randomly thinking about the memories with her and felt like it was fair to tell me. he didn’t say he missed her or liked her, but i’m still affected by it bc when i do think about my exes after something, it’s only like 5 mins and then it’s whatever. i’m getting weirded out how it’s been prolonged. i gave him an ultimatum that if it keeps haunting him for two days, i might break up with him because it’s making me feel uncomfortable and i don’t want a boyfriend who is dwelling upon his ex for that long. i’m mad asf! thoughts? 😅

i agree with you cs that’s just weird .. who dreams about there ex then think about them for 12 hours !? i can agree with you 100% girlyy

@calypsoopink i think dreaming about your ex is normal like ive had dreams ab random people… the 12 hours thing is weird. he wasn’t thinking ab her for 12 hours straight but i still feel discomfort with the idea it was on and off

I also find it a bit weird why he’s telling you all of this.. like what does he expect? I get that he wants to be honest but sometimes dreams are just dreams and thoughts are just thoughts.

@Yi_eune because he said it was only fair that he told me about this. i respect that he told me tbh

Thoughts and memories can randomly surface for no reason. I don’t think any of this means anything. I also find it weird he’s telling you about his random meaningless thoughts about someone from 5/6 years ago. And I think it’s a little weird he feels like he needs to tell you, like is he not entitled to privacy over his own thoughts lol. And maybe there’s such a thing as being too honest. I don’t think it’s fair to give him an ultimatum over this because the more you talk and think about something and the more importance you place on something then the more you think about it. So it’s kind of a vicious circle and putting pressure on him isn’t going to help. Like if he didn’t bring it up with you he probably would have completely forgotten about her and moved on with his day. But now it’s creating a pretty big problem that is heading towards the end of your relationship…. I don’t think that’s the best way to deal with this issue anyway.

@bluerose9 okay that’s true - thank you. so it’d be fair to just let these thoughts pass and let bygones be bygones? when would it be an issue tho? because it does make me feel uncomfortable

update: apparently it’s worse as he’s been thinking about her almost nonstop. i am genuinely thinking of ending it if it does end up prolonging tbh 😬

@mxflo okay that’s weird. Does he have an explanation for this?

@bluerose9 no… there were no triggers but for me, i think it was because he was casually speaking to his ex as friends at one point and cut her off. immediately after, we were in a serious talking stage… so maybe bc he has never had the chance to really reflect upon the past, his brain did that now? or maybe his parents arguing triggered his mind to make connections to when his parents’ arguing would be really bad and he was dating his ex during that time? idk

I completely agree with @bluerose9 and I think that jumping to breaking up with someone because they've thought about their ex is a bit extreme. Are you sure it's not a protective knee jerk reaction on your part?

@aurielle hi again, i said i would not anymore but HE personally is telling us to take a break from the relationship. he’s been CONSTANTLY thinking about her for 2-3 days straight and personally is making me give him space bc he feels super guilty about it. he said that he’d rather us not be dating because he feels like it’s unfair to me that he’s dealing with these thoughts while being with me. to add on, he said if it has worsened and prolonged, he felt like he would need to message her for closure if anything and doesn’t want to do this while we are in a relationship. this is the last thing we talked about on the phone and that already broke me. i’ve decided to just let go and give him space and surrender this situation to God and the Universe because everything is just out of my hands now.

@mxflo this is honestly bizarre? Randomly now 5 years later he needs to message an ex for closure because a random memory of her popped up in his head? He doesn’t have closure already? What exactly is he looking for closure for? How is contacting her out of the blue going to achieve that, FOUR YEARS into another relationship????? Wtf is this man doing? This isn’t making any sense and I’d be concerned there’s something else going on that he’s trying to cover up with this weird story because this isn’t adding up. Are you breaking up or is this a “break”? If it’s a break definitely make sure you have a clear understanding of what this break is and what it is going to achieve. Ie how often will you communicate, how long will it be, will you be still remaining monogamous, if he’s going to contact his ex what exactly is that going to involve and how much is he going to tell you about it, what steps is he taking to make sure he’s a better partner at the end of this break because he’s definitely acting odd and making you question your trust in him etc etc Make sure you talk this all out before the break if you want it to work out!!

@bluerose9 I KNOW. it’s like apparently recurring thoughts so it’s not just one memory. It’s like the thoughts and memories are haunting him idk… he said he wants to at least try to figure it out before messaging his ex and so there’s not even a proper timeline involved. and he’s so uncertain about everything and it’s making it harder for me.

@mxflo that is complete crap honestly, like what is he doing??? I think I’d probably ask him straight out “do you still want to be a relationship with me?” And if it’s not 100% yes no doubts I’d end the relationship for good.

@bluerose9 thank you. i agree. honestly? a parts of me think maybe he denied and kept lying to himself that he was over his ex and continued the relationship w me until his mind exploded from the repression 😍😍😍😍😍😍 imagine 😍😍😍😍 i want to kms honestly

@mxflo most men really are trash like that 😭